The Mother-Daughter Affair

The Mother-Daughter relationship is one of the most dramatic affairs that I have experienced and witnessed in my entire life. A few days ago I was in the office and my amazing, loving mother called me early in the morning to ask me how I was doing and how my new job was coming along. We had a very relaxed conversation as we always do, just laughing and laughing. She was very interested in wanting to know what tasks I had on my desk that day, so I explained it to her. This whole time my colleagues were seated with me in the office. When the conversation with my mother ended, one of my colleagues who is a mother of a 21-year-old asked me, “Woi jameni will I ever be able to have such a relaxed conversation with my daughter? Sisi ni kama hatusikilizani” (Will I ever have such a relaxed conversation with my daughter, we don’t exactly get along). Then I smiled and told her, "Trust me it will happen!" I spoke to her from my own experience and it reminded me of my own walk with my mother. Of course I also remembered a few friends who have shared their experiences with me.

Mummy and I

Growing up as the fourth girl in a family of five children, four girls and one boy, has been an experience that I would not trade for anything. Being the last born girl, for a long time, I used to think that mom liked my elder sisters more than she liked me. So I would recoil and think I did not matter. All she did was scold me and be very strict with me at least that was all that I focused on. It wasn’t true, it really was not true that she liked my sisters more, it was a phase that I was going through. See the reason why mom seemed to spend more time with my sisters was because they were older, they had stuff to talk about. Serious conversations and I only got to understand this when I grew up and joined campus. I realise we had aloooooooooot to talk about. We talk about things as insignificant as her drinking yoghurt and munching on groundnuts for dinner, to hilarious things as her forgetting that her food was still cooking and it burnt as well as serious things like how she missed a step and fell down and recently to matters of the heart. The lines of “Do you have someone in your life, you do realise that you have been through school and you have graduated you know it is good to start off something now.” Hahaha, that question makes me laugh. Of course she will read this article too 

When I joined high school I realised that my mom was my number one fan. She never stopped believing in me even when things looked really blurred and uncertain. She saw so much potential in me that I was shocked at how much she knew I could do. It was my mom who helped me realise that I had the gift of perseverance (she likes to use the word stamina). It dawned on me that age came with certain privileges. The older I became the closer I was to my mom and the freer we would discuss lots of matters.

This is not all about my mom and I, I thought I should give an insight on this matter. Perhaps there are a few mothers and daughters who just don't understand what the problem is. Not because I am an expert but because I am a daughter and I have had this experience, partly. I also acknowledge that not all of us have had our mothers around or daughter around, I mean what I am about to say may or may not apply to all who will read this.

Dear Daughters,

One thing you need to understand and remember is that your mom loves you. I mean

Photo courtesy: Google images

she carried you for nine months in her womb, you are her bundle of joy. She smiles at the thought of knowing that you are there, so never forget that. Give her a chance to show you how much she loves you. Spend random moments with her when she is around. If your mom cooks, those moments in the kitchen are the best for the two of you. It will be hard at first but keep doing it until it becomes normal. Let her know that you trust and love her, ask her questions about life (this is tricky I know) but when you keep doing it, it becomes familiar. Call her as often as you can. If it becomes hard just text her. Just because she tells you not to do this or that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you. She has been there before and she may be in a better position to advise.

Please, do not lie to your mother.

For those of us who, for one reason or another, may not have our birth moms I thank God for all the other mothers and ‘mother figures’ around us. I mean think about it. Your neighbor, your best friend’s mom, your lecturer even your nanny (some nannies have been the best mothers we have known), mentors and role models. Do not lock yourself up. There is someone who is able to give you what your mom would have given you. So open your heart, make friends, be careful ensure that she is an upright woman and not one who will lead you astray.

Dear Mothers,

I know that at this point you are probably thinking, ‘Oh Good Lord! Where did I ever go wrong, what didn’t I do?' Well maybe you did something but trust me 80% of the time, you did nothing bad. So this is how it goes. The most difficult part of being a mother is when your child clocks teenage hood. Why is this so? This is because your teenager is trying to understand who she is. She is probably dealing with low self-teem or maybe it just hit her that she is pretty and a guy just asked her out and she thinks she is in love when she barely understands what love is. I mean, we all went through this at some point in our lives.

As a mother you need to accept that your baby is growing up and she is no longer the little girl that you dressed up. However, NOTE that inasmuch as she is growing up, she needs you more than ever. She may not say it, but she needs to know that someone believes in her. Reassure her of her worth that she knows that she is a gem. So that when a guy comes a long, your daughter does not get confused when she is told she is pretty.

Photo Courtesy: Wallcoo.net

Do not give up on reaching out to her. That doesn’t mean that you poke your nose in all her affairs. Keep checking on her and asking her how she is doing, how her day has been, start up conversations with her. Speak to her words of wisdom that will carry her through life. Do not make this a lecture and don’t do it every hour of the day. Invite her to the kitchen and try working around a moment of togetherness. Go shopping with her, and buy her nice things, surprise her once in a while. Do not make yourself sound like your life was all smooth, share some of your own personal experiences. Even your love life when she comes of age. Be real with her.

Money cannot take your place in her life, your career cannot replace your presence in her life, the nanny should not be the one to stand in for you, create time for her.

Again you can equally reach out to another daughter who may not have a mother. Guide her like you would guide your very own child. Love her like you would love your own baby, give her a reason to live and pursue her dreams.

The Conclusion of the matter, Mothers earnestly pray for your daughters, Daughters please pray for your moms. Give each other a chance!! There is more to life than frowning at your mom or giving up on your daughter